Myth 1: Soul mate relationships should be easy
Relationships are not always easy. Why is it that we can spend so much time at work each and every day to bring home a paycheck yet we barely give our relationship a second thought? We expect it to run smoothly on its own without any maintenance, without any glitches, and without any problems. How silly is that?
All relationships take time, energy, work, commitment, and determination. If you want a wonderful soul mate relationship then you may need to make some sacrifices in other areas. Perhaps you’ll have to work less overtime, spend more time with your partner, work on communication, plan more things together, and compromise.
Think of a relationship like a garden. By following the suggestions in this book you’ll plant the seeds. Working on yourself and your soul mate-attracting skills is the soil. Once you find your true love you begin watering this garden and are careful to pull up any weeds that sprout. But over time what happens? You get used to being in the relationship and you stop watering it and neglect the weeds. What do you think will happen then? The garden will die. Instead, if you carefully tend to your “love garden” you’ll be rewarded with a relationship that blossoms and grows bigger over time.
Myth 2: Soul mates don’t have conflict
Nothing could be further from the truth. Any relationship without conflict is a relationship between two dead people. You’re human, he’s human, and you have different personalities, stress factors, and everything else tossed into the mix. How could you not have conflict sometimes? The key is how well you handle this.
I’ve had couples come to me who are certain they’re soul mates and the beginning of their relationship was filled with joy, peace, passion and not a single argument. Then one day something shifts and someone gets ticked off or hurt and conflict makes its first appearance. That doesn’t mean things are doomed, it means you’re normal.
Conflict can be healthy because it forces a couple to look at their differences and understand each other’s perspective. It makes you look inside yourself, to acknowledge and examine your own core values and beliefs, and learn to appreciate that your partner has his own. Consider this a valuable opportunity to communicate and grow stronger as a couple.
Myth 3: Soul mates are always romantic
Real life is seldom like romantic movies or novels. While it’s true that in the beginning of relationships our hormones are in frenzy so the passion and romance is usually high, those chemicals soon wane and we’re left with true love . . . or true disappointment.
Also, we shouldn’t compare real life romance with what we see on the screen or read in magazines or books. When you think about it, what is romance, really? Candy and jewelry and flowers? Those are just materialistic things. Each person expresses romance in different ways. Using my relationship as an example, Mike isn’t the most romantic guy if you go by what Cosmo or novels label as real romance. Instead of feeling hurt or irked about his nonromantic ways, I pay attention to other things he does. He always opens doors for me, compliments me, pays for vacations, won’t let me help bring in the groceries if it’s raining, cooks dinner a few nights week, does dishes and laundry, sends an “I miss you” greeting card if he’s out of town, etc. Not once have I ever gotten flowers or jewelry, that’s not his romance style, but I’ve grown to love his style and find it incredibly romantic.
The lesson here is to not force a man to comply with your idea of romance. You can meet in the middle and also pay attention to his personal romance style. This one tip alone could mean the difference between falling (or staying) in love or constantly being disappointed.
Myth 4: Soul mates should think alike
No matter how much we want to believe otherwise at times, we don’t share the same brain. Sure, soul mate relationships can be much easier, deeper, and more meaningful than non- soul mate relationships, but you won’t always think alike.
A lot of women and men believe that if you’re truly soul mates then you’re “one” and you’ll think and feel alike and want and need the same things. The truth is, you’re two different souls in two different bodies with two different brains. Rejoice in the fact that you aren’t identical in every way. This gives you both chances to explore new things since you’ll be able to share your own likes and dislikes with one another. It can open up the door to conversations, trying new things out, and being happy with the fact that he’s him and you’re you.
Myth 5: Soul mates should be able to always speak their mind
I had a client several years ago who was completely confused as to why his wife, whom he believed was his soul mate, would get upset over the fact that he was so blunt and to the point. He felt that if two people are truly soul mates then the relationship needed to be “as honest as possible.”
While it’s good to be honest, you still need to take the other person’s feelings into consideration. Your partner doesn’t have to hear everything you’re thinking, such as how awful his plaid shorts are or the fact that he’s losing more hair and gaining more gut. Always treat your soul mate, as you want to be treated, and view the relationship through the eyes of love. If you feel you absolutely must say something ask yourself, “Is this for the highest good of our relationship? Am I doing it with love?”
If you’re simply stressed out or frustrated about something else, find ways to let off steam and relax such as power yoga or a long walk, rather than focusing on smaller things. Then again, if you find that your partner just bugs you day and night, you might want to ask yourself where all of the anger and resentment is coming from and work on those issues rather than covering them up with petty things.
Myth 6: In a soul mate relationship all issues will be resolved
Studies have shown that more than 80 percent of all relationship issues are never resolved. As I talked about earlier, you’re two different people and you aren’t always going to agree. That’s okay! As long as it isn’t an issue that’s detrimental to the relationship or your mutual happiness or health then many times it’s best to just agree to disagree. This is so much better than wasting all that time and energy trying to change each other.
Myth 7: Sex in a soul mate relationship is amazing, or doesn’t really matter
Over the years I’ve heard both sides of this thinking. Some people believe that if you’re with a soul mate then the sex will be absolutely mind blowing. Then there are others who think that if you’re with a soul mate it’s something so ethereal that sex doesn’t even need to enter the equation. I knew a couple who would meditate for hours at a time just to quell their hormones since they felt it would ruin their soul mate union. I felt so bad for them since they were wasting time and didn’t really understand the whole soul mate thing.
Sex is not only a human urge, but a spiritual one as well. I believe when we leave this Earth and go to the other side we can still have sex in spirit form. Connecting with one another on a sexual level helps us to connect on a spiritual level as well.
When you’ve got a full time job, a house to take care of, kids to tend to, and the many other chores that come with life on Earth, sex is so often put on the backburner. It’s one of the best ways to bond with your partner and release those pent-up stress hormones. Put sex at the top of your list rather than at the bottom.
On the other hand, there are those who think that if you’re with a soul mate then you’ll always be in the mood for sex and multiple orgasms will be a common occurrence. Talk about pressure! The best thing is to find someone who’s sexually compatible with you. A soul mate union only deepens the sexual bond between two people.
Myth 8: If my partner would only change I know we’d be soul mates
This is a huge misconception, though one that’s all too common. You feel you’d have a great relationship if only he’d change. Or, you’ll make some changes once you see him making an effort first. This stubbornness will only keep you stuck and unable to improve your relationship.
Instead of focusing on all of your partner’s flaws, turn your thinking around and see what changes you can make. How can you be your best? Not just in the relationship, but in your life. You can’t expect the best if you aren’t giving your best. Ask yourself who you want to be, how you want to be, and how you want your partner to see you. Then ask yourself if you’re living your life according to your vision. If not, start today. In time you’ll probably see that your partner starts changing as well. If not, then you have to ask yourself if you’re really soul mates or if you should find someone who’s better suited for you.
Myth 9: If I’m with my soul mate he’ll love me no matter what
This is not only a flawed way of thinking but a sad one as well. It’s giving yourself permission to be as irresponsible, or bitchy, or cold as you want and he should love you anyway. Or, you can just stop taking care of yourself and still expect him to be attracted to you. We aren’t always at our best and over time we get older and maybe put on a few pounds, but that’s different than just giving up and not caring.
A client of mine gained 200 pounds after she lost her job. As you can imagine, losing her job set in motion a whole list of things that led up to her huge weight gain. Instead of being proactive and seeking another job or going back to school to get a better job, she allowed her unemployment to wreak havoc on her self-esteem. She got depressed, stayed home all the time, and used food to make herself feel better. When she stopped caring about herself it was hard for her husband to keep being her cheerleader and he soon stopped caring too.
Soul mate unions work on mutual energy. What we give out we receive. We can’t expect our soul mate to love us “no matter what.”
Exercise: What myths are you following?
As you looked over these soul mate relationship myths, did you find that you used to believe in some of them? The fact is, there are few of us who don’t. But now that you’ve been given the truth, it will be easier to focus on yourself and how you can create what you want in your own life so that you won’t need to use myths as a crutch or an excuse as to why a relationship isn’t working.
Make a list of at least three love myths you used to believe in then beside that myth write the truth. You could put something like Myth: A soul mate will make me happy. Fact: I’m responsible for my own happiness.
Once you have three love myths written down, create a plan of action so that you can fulfill yourself and also be a better partner when you’re reunited with your soul mate.
Words without action are merely words. Make a promise to yourself that you will begin following your plan of action. The Universe can’t move if you aren’t moving, and it can only move in the direction you’re going in. Choose to move forward with confidence and optimism and you’ll see how the Universe creates positive changes in your life.
“I release all love myths and embrace the truth.”
“Each day I choose to move forward with optimism so that my guides and the Universe can assist me.”
This was an excerpt from Kelly Wallace’s book Together Forever: How To Find and Keep Your Soul Mate